When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
