Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
