I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We're too hungover to prance.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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