Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
