My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
