Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
