I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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