Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
