yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
