Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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