peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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