just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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