capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
