is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
