I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
