I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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