i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
