my mouth tastes like poor choices
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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