I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
