It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
