I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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