I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
