I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
