not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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