Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
