I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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