my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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