i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
