just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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