just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
