I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
