Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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