Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
