I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My vagina is officially offended.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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