I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
