I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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