you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"