My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
