Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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