As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
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God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
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Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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