my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
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My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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