The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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