My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
