I want to have your abortion
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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