My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
