I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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