I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
