How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
as a side note pls kill me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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