I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
