The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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