i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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