why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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