By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Let's get the cat blown out
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
