I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
