Will you blow on my dice?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
