Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
