My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
