there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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